Changing relationships: mom and grandmother

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Philippe Gloaguen
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Relations with the maternal grandmother

The maternal grandmother would be of greater importance for the grandchildren than the maternal grandmother. To say this is a research conducted by the neo-Freudian psychoanalysis journal Ifefromm which has reviewed a range of analyzes conducted over the years and concluded that for children figure of maternal grandmother it would be preferred over the paternal one.





Let's try to understand why?

The researches analyzed reached these conclusions:

  • the maternal grandmother is usually between 60 and 70 years old,
  • lives in the same city as his grandchildren,
  • sees them several times a week
  • she is retired or a housewife.

In most cases he has established with his grandchildren a very close relationship since the first year of life and many of these children have been entrusted to the maternal grandmother when mom returned to work after maternity leave.

In light of these elements it is clear and obvious why children look like prefer the figure of the maternal grandmother: it is the one always present, the one in which the mother seems to trust most of all, she is available to take care of them on many occasions.

In fact, just reflect on our experience as moms to understand that this research tells the truth: many of us have decided to entrust their children to their mother when we return to work, we trust her like no other person in the world, only when we become mothers do we realize the great commitment and work that our mothers have invested for us.

In short, the maternity often has a positive effect on the relationship between mother and daughter: one feels more connected, one entrusts oneself to one's mother and accepts her help (which perhaps for years has been refused in the path of growth and independence from girls to realized women), one misses her if she lives in a another city, in some cases even the arrival of a grandson serves to strengthen and mend tense and detached relationships.



Perhaps it is not wrong who, like me, believes that grandmothers are more inclined to take care of the children of their daughters than of the boys: this is because with daughters the bond never broke. Indeed, the arrival of a child serves to re-establish that emotional and personal thread typical of woman-woman bond, while the male child will probably have a partner or wife who will prefer to rely on their mother for the care of the children.

I do not want to take anything away from the value and depth of the feeling that the paternal grandmother feels for her grandchild, but affection, care and dedication are shown every day with commitment and presence and this set of actions strengthens and strengthens. the bond between grandson and maternal grandmother.

Read also: The educational role of grandparents

Clarify the roles of grandmother and mother

How to lay the foundation for a constructive and promising relationship between mother and grandmother? Unless our mother is particularly young she will belong to another generation and she will have entirely different educational ideas from ours: maybe she will think rigidly about cuddling, crying, breastfeeding and baby education. . We can find a compromise? Of course yes. Let's not forget that there is only one mother of the child and it is we who have the responsibility and the task of raising our child as we deem right, certainly entrusting ourselves toexperience and to the advice of the nonna, but also and above all al our instincts and the information we find. Are mothers and women much more informed and attentive compared to those of past generations: we have access to a myriad of books, essays, manuals and information sites where we can create a real culture in the field of education and growth of children and if we choose to undertake a certain path, to embrace a educational theory it is right to carry it out and clarify immediately to the grandmother how we think.



Maternal grandmother too pushy

And it's always up to the young mother to enforce her own privacy, the decisions taken together with your partner and your will.

To exhibit gratitude for his presence, for his car it is important: many new mothers are alone and cannot count on the help of their mother and this can greatly complicate life. Those lucky enough to have their maternal grandmother close will be able to go back to work knowing that they are leaving their child in trusted hands, they will be able to go out sometime in the afternoon or even in the evening with their partner, they will guarantee their children a loving and reliable family presence.

In exchange for these benefits you have to take into account that you have to undergo a little bit of intrusiveness, especially if the grandmother is alone or has a complicated relationship with the grandfather. In some cases, she may spoil the children too much and pay too much attention to them.

It is up to us to understand when the limit is being crossed. We remember that we dictate the rules of the education of our children, but that rigidity is never a good counselor.

It does not matter if the grandmother gives the child an extra gift or if she allows him an ice cream when we would have said no: accepting these small differences of views means laying the foundations for a relationship based on respect and understanding. And do not be afraid: the child can perfectly distinguish who is the mother and who is the grandmother.

Pushy grandmother

We are very lucky to have our mother beside us, we must always remember that. And at the same time we must remember that your help it is not an obligation: she has already raised her children, her task and the phase in which she had to hardly reconcile work and family has passed. Now it's time for her to enjoy your time and cultivate his interests. She can help us and be available but if we make her feel obliged, indispensable or necessary, the step towards intrusiveness will be short and spontaneous.

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