Things you don't say: "Being a mother is difficult. Why deny it?"

Reflections of an already mother: Being a mother is difficult. Why deny it?

This post was published on my blog a few days ago.
It sparked a lot of controversy: someone said that you can see my selfishness and my frustration (???), someone else smiled because he thought the same things ... in short, there was a big rift about it.
Here is the post:

I didn't think it was going to happen to me.
Matteo I wanted with all the strength of my heart, for 5 consecutive years.
Then he came to give me the joy of a smile, unconditional love, to make me rediscover the beauty of little things.
Yet, when today Daniela, 4 months pregnant, exposed her perplexities to me about the change that awaits her, I have not answered diplomatically, I have not answered as a happy mother who I am. I did not answer "as an educator". I did not use the usual silence of the already mothers, I didn't say that the pains of childbirth are forgotten and that I don't remember them anymore.
This is, more or less, what I said to Daniela:
"Yes, life changes you and a lot. You no longer have a minute for yourself, you will neglect yourself, you will no longer wear heels, you will go less and less often to the hairdresser, you will no longer come to creativity courses.
Holidays with children require meticulous organization, in August the sea is not because it is too hot, at noon because the sun beats down, in the mountains not because it is too high, creams, creams, vests, strollers, diapers, baby bottles, sterilizers ... make it easier to stay at home that you stress less.
Breastfeeding? very painful, I would like to know who said it is a poem, it hurts like a dog in the early days and there are no ointments that can hold it.
Childbirth? I'm not going to tell you about it (to me they did the epidural 6 times without being able to peck the right point but only my sciatic nerve, which is already compromised) and the post partum ... well, a nightmare like this kid who cries, eats, shits, sleeps and not necessarily in this order, sometimes, if he tells you really badly, he cries, cries, eats, shits, cries he cries, cries, cries he dozes off and cries, then eats and falls asleep ... and you are frozen tit in the wind so exhausted that I miss seeing the joys of motherhood.

And the partner?
The next time he touches you, you want to cut it off. Here, these are the first days after returning home.
Not to mention the relatives ... "why did you put chenille on him? He sweats too much ... why don't you put his hat on? So he's cold! You covered him too much, you didn't find out much".
And the people on the street?
What a beautiful little queen she means, - she is a boy - but she has such delicate features that she seems to be a girl
He cries, if he sees that he is hungry - but he has just eaten! - Then he is hot, look at how many blankets you put on! If it is breathless! No, Elvira the other old woman intervenes, this wind is cold. Cover it up for more!

And the friends you would kill them all: he looks all like your husband, look how cute, he took nothing from you! But how many kg did you gain? And the stretch marks came to you ... poor thing!
For mother-in-law and sister-in-law it takes a separate chapter ...
How much does it weight? Only 4 kg? At his age his father weighed three times, I made him all big, but does he burp? The father was so polite that he didn't!
But how much do you eat? 130 gr, the father at his age took 230! (like ca @@ or can you remind yourself that 40 years have passed !!!)

In short, you will have everyone against. They will always make you feel inadequate. Everyone will always know what to do except you.
But you don't listen to him.
Slip it all on, avoid getting home visits, pretend you didn't hear the doorbell, or say you were breastfeeding. She buys a Doberman and when the old lady in the park approaches tell him "bite" in short, she tries to set up a routine just for you and your puppy. Let others not enter your duality.
Don't go to work for the first year of life. She will never come back.
And most importantly, enjoy these last 5 months of freedom where you can brush your teeth without looking out the door what your child is up to, where you can take a 30 minute shower and a relaxing bath with lighted candles and the romantic atmosphere. thinking only of yourself and your well-being.
Make love every day, hormones help you. Then they will abandon you.
Enjoy these 5 months of solitude.
Fatigue will grip you every day.
Because every day of your life you will no longer be alone and the responsibility of doing your best for your baby will absorb all your energy.
And you will be happy.

Daniela looked at me astonished.
I said things that already moms don't usually tell expectant moms.
But today I didn't feel like saying the usual routine phrases.
"Being a mom is hard, wow she is. Why deny it?"

So I ask you, my dear mothers of, what do you think of my words? Would you have liked that an acquaintance of yours that you esteem and that you have always seen being proud of her baby, had told you the truth about her as I did here, or you would have been shocked and would have cried for 9 months ??? !!!

Ps: Daniela was not shocked and was happy to hear what she more or less expected… and she is thinking of adopting a Doberman !!!
And again: there is no degree that you teach, there is no pre-birth course that you train, there is no instruction manual (unfortunately) that explains: when you become a mother there is only the maternal instinct and your own baby. And each is different from the other.

Mariaelena La Banca

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