You tell childbirth: "I would not have wanted it to go like this"

One of our users shared in the forum the story of her childbirth, too brutal and medicalized, certainly not what she expected. She would not want to read it to mothers who are expecting her for fear of shaking them too much and making them worry. instead we believe that testimonies like this are very useful. We reiterate as she does that every birth is different from the other (and from your stories you will notice it), but it is also right to be able to enter through these testimonies in the delivery rooms, to understand that there are better and worse hospitals, doctors and midwives who accompany them gently. the woman in childbirth and others who instead take their work as an assembly line.
If you like to comment or tell your experience about it you can do it by commenting below or on the forum.

My birth was not easy, I am very upset by what happened to me. And I don't want future new mothers to read it but, rather, women who have gone through stories similar to mine and, perhaps, have found themselves better with their second child.
I thought it was something less medicalized, giving birth to a child. I thought it was really a natural thing ... I have never been afraid of childbirth, also because 9 months have been dealt with very well, without complications.
Labor too, I would repeat it a thousand times. Humanly bearable.
Then came the explosive phase, a real drama. No prizes. I didn't even get a little help from nature: absolutely absent, that famous urge to push ...
A thousand times better labor, which stops on a bed, with a midwife on top of my belly to take my breath away [I thought I was dying] and another to cut me to widen and insert the suction cup inside, like living firsthand in a story of eighteenth-century butchers surgeons.
They monitored the heartbeat, one asked the other "how is it?", The other answered seriously "okay, the heartbeat okay".
For an instinctive reflex, while he was cutting I tried to close my legs, he yelled at me: "Madam wants to kill this baby!"

I don't forget this sentence anymore. It seemed to me not to exist, to suddenly become an empty shell; yes, I even hated the baby (who is now Davide ... but it hardly seems to me to be the same one who was born that day).
I arrived at the hospital already dilated by 7 cm, so it means that I had also done some 'work' at home ... but then the delivery room they made me feel unable to give birth to a child: "Did you take the pre-birth course? Didn't they explain how to push?".
I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing, when I have contractions I can't push! I want the caesarean!
"You can't. The baby is already channeled."
What does it mean?
It means sucker, it means episiotomy, it means pushing on my belly until my ribs crack.
When it comes out it makes me very sorry because I would like to be alone, without the baby, because it seemed to me that I was experiencing an aggression and not a birth. And I feel a unique inability and a bitch because I'm just thinking about saving my skin.
I cry every night for more than a month thinking about my birth.
I wonder, was it my muscles that didn't meet me? Why didn't I have that impulse they all tell me they have? Why couldn't I push? And if (as my partner would like) I have another child, what should I do? Get insulted by the midwives again, because I'm incapable?

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